To the girl who felt isolated

She was in the middle of this weird season. Not really sure how to feel or even what she needed to do to get out of this funk that made her feel so stuck. She tried including herself in many social events, even signed herself up for some classes at her local gym.  She wanted with everything in her to get away from the loneliness that seemed to follow her. The busyness of her schedule didn’t seem to affect the late nights that seemed to keep her up at night. She longed for clarity in understanding this new transition that left her feeling so isolated—so alone. 

As she continue through these long days that seemed to weigh heavy on her, she began asking herself the questions that brought tears down her cheeks,” God am I not good enough?” “Is there something I seem to be missing?” Something I need to be doing?” “Is there something wrong with me”

 These questions carried so much pain in her voice as she began to tear herself a part. Not aware of the damage she was doing to herself, she began filling her mind with thoughts that brought nothing by more hurt. She just wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. From her point of view, things were not looking up for her. She felt the lowest she’s ever been. 

Maybe it just wasn’t her time. It sure felt like the opportunities around her, the blessings she was praying for, were no where in sight. Whatever was standing in the way of her and the very things she longed for, seemed like forever away. She just knew this couldn’t be all that she was living for. She knew there was more for her. More that God had planned for her. These feelings weren’t permanent just temporary. 

She began having brighter days knowing that what she was going through wasn’t the final say of her story. She knew without a doubt it was just a chapter being written. Just this chapter seemed so much longer than her previous ones. Instead of asking God why, she began saying, “God what is it you want me to learn from this season?” She did less complaining & more evaluating. Reflecting on what God was teaching her. She started seeing things through his lens rather than her own. 

Less comparing her journey to her friends, or people on the internet she didn’t even know, and more focused on bettering herself. Finding new ways to heal. Whatever felt like was stealing her joy, robbing her peace, she set in place boundaries. She knew what needed to be done to keep her from becoming depleted.

 If there was one thing she learned in this season, it was that she wasn’t alone. Many people shared the same story as her, some just weren’t comfortable sharing. She wanted to share her story because she knew it would help someone understand the difference in seasons that we go through. 

No season is alike. Each season brings different things to the table. Some fruit, some thorns, even weeds. God really used this season to reel her back in, to get her at her most vulnerable state, so she could solely rely on him. To give herself over to him, fully trusting that he has her best interest at heart even if she wasn’t able to see it. Even if she couldn’t see the final outcome. She knew that this season wasn’t forever, and that kept her heart at peace. 

To the girl that felt pressured

She woke this morning with a heaviness on her heart as she began her morning carrying the weight from yesterday’s worries. Instead of taking time this morning to work on herself, getting her spirit in tune with the Spirit, she found herself on her social media scrolling. Looking through the lives of others. Not realizing the seeds of anxiety began to become rooted in her heart. 

She became so distracted with what others were doing, she began to feel like she wasn’t doing enough, didn’t have enough, and was fighting her daily flesh as she battled with her emotions. She heard over and over that she had to focus on herself, but how could she when everyone around her seemed to be progressing? She fell as though she was barely moving forward with her goals she set for herself. 

She found herself doubting herself because other people’s voices and opinions became the loudest voice that filled the space, causing fear. She kept telling herself, “well maybe I’ll just stick to what I know best.” Getting comfortable with seeing herself through the eyes of others making it hard for her to surpass that expectation and self image she felt like she had to keep up. 

Every mistake she made, she would beat herself up about. She felt like she had to be perfect just like the girls she saw through social media, not realizing the damage it was doing to her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was draining her. She felt like she had to keep up with the trends, to stay relevant. 

She wanted to stop these feelings, these emotions that robbed her of her joy. She didn’t want to compare and compete with others, she wanted to stay focused on her own dreams. So why was it so hard for her? Why did she feel the need to rush things in order for her to feel like she was succeeding? 

You see the enemy had a very strategic way of getting her isolated so he could use her mind as a battlefield for him to throw at her all the things she wasn’t doing. He wanted her to beat herself up and compare every area of here life with people on the internet. That way she would be so consumed with sadness, that she became paralyzed by fear. 

And she did just that. 

One day she ended up sneaking off to the library and found herself buried inside the pages of a book that was feeding her spirit and bringing her smile back. As she began to flip through the pages, she realized the importance of chapters. Each page played a key role of this story, which made up a chapter. Without a page, or a few skipped, important information would be missed. 

Just like her story, she realized she didn’t have to feel like she had to complete 6 chapters in one month or even a year. Each day represented a page. She had to decide whether she wanted to fill that page with joy or write all the negative things that seemed to keep her from seeing all the good God was doing in her life. 

It was that moment in the library, God revealed to her that she wasn’t where she wanted to be, because she wasn’t quite ready to be where he was taking her. The time that was needed for her to prepare for the next level, she spent wishing and doubting that she could be anything more that what others had labeled her. 

She really had a wake up call when she finally took the time in her life to slow down take a deep breath and see what was truly happening. She had to really call it like it was and see the value she placed on other people validating her worth instead of how God saw her. She had to ask herself daily, how can I press more into God and less into my emotions? 

She had to rely on God and understand that her gifts that he placed within her, could not be taken away. She was so special and unique that regardless how long it took her to shine, God was going to use her for his Kingdom glory. She really had to look herself in the mirror and see all the things she needed to be thankful for. All the progress she had made, matter. 

All the things she failed at, was only feedback to what she could learn to improve on. Nothing she faced was in vain. Even though she had to decide each day to fight for her voice to be heard over other people’s opinions that once held her captive. That was no longer her story. The pressure to be perfect, to have it all together, to portray this image that every move was successful, wasn’t as impressive when she understood that God isn’t looking for all of that. He wanted to meet her where she was at, help her catch her breath, and walk alongside her as she begin to put one foot in front of the other, as she stepped into freedom. 

Live Deeply Rooted Prayer Journal Challenge

When I created this journal, I knew that I wanted it to be able to serve anyone who was struggling with their prayer life or didn't understand where to even begin when it came to prayer. I wanted to be able to provide for those a guideline to help lead them to a better prayer life through being consistent and showing up for God through their time spent journaling. 

I wanted whoever was going to join this 21 day challenge with me to feel the Holy Spirit lead them and work on their behalf. This journal serves as a tool to help guide prayers for the first 10 days as one will eventually begin to write their own. You will also be provided with daily Bible Scriptures and questions to reflect on during your prayer time.

 

As you progress throughout the journal, you will find space for you to create your own prayers as you grow and have a better understand when it comes to your prayer life. I am so excited to continue to grow with you and watch your life be transformed as you intentionally spend time getting to know yourself and God more through this challenge.

 To join the challenge and purchase your journal, click this link provided below. --Sopha Rush

https://mailchi.mp/3fecb105b791/livedeeplyrootedprayerjournal

Daystar Christmas Lights Display: Family Night Out

This past weekend, the Rush family attended Daystar's annual 2018 Holiday Lights Display. We were greeted with such warm welcomes from every elf on sight. We boarded Santa’s sleigh & was taken to their life-size nativity scene where we listened to the birth story of Jesus, the real reason we celebrate this holiday season. We got to experience a kid-friendly Christmas Town displayed with so many colorful LED lights that lit up not just the trees, but also our hearts. Daystar Christmas did a phenomenal job making this free experience, an unforgettable one where so many great memories were made with my family this Christmas season.

Live Nativity Scene (Harlem loved baby Jesus) 

Our way into Christmas Town (Posed for some bomb photos) 

Also what I really loved about this experience was the cafe that served hot beverages and cookies for sale while kids and parents enjoyed walking through everything. As well as those who waited to take a free professional picture with Santa. I am so excited to attend next year’s event when our son is a bit older to really run around and enjoy!

Another stop for some more family photos.

My favorite sign with my family!

For family and friends who are wanting to attend and create great memories during the holidays, Daystar will have their Holiday Lights Display open from now through January 4. Weekdays from 6-10 pm Weekends 6-10 pm. Photos with Santa 19-21st from 6-8 pm. December 21st, at 7 pm there will be Christmas story with Santa where he reads the birth of Jesus. For more details, visit Daystar.com/Christmas and plan your visit today. Hope you and your family can attend and create special moments like our family did! Merry Christmas! -The Rushes

A letter to the girl who battled through her insecurities.

She like many others, struggled with what seemed like an never ending cycle of allowing other people opinions to validate her worth & value. Not fully understanding the effect it had on her confidence or lack thereof. Her insecurities were so much deeper than just her appearance. Her roots were deepened in this reality that she was unworthy. That she wasn’t good enough, smart enough, unloveable, and not worthy of having someone to love.

She became so destructive tearing herself apart because she couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that it was perfectly okay ask for help & be vulnerable as she talked about the things she was struggling with. She wrestled with her thoughts that tried to tell her otherwise. If only she could share the pain that came with her depression, the desires to be wanted,  her fears, the anxiety, the heartbreak that weighed so heavy on her. If only she had the confidence to fight for the truth that she was buried deep within her.

Yet, this pressure grew too intense, this idea that she had to be perfect in an imperfect world, with this ability to have it all together, lacking in nothing. Who was she kidding? She knew she couldn’t live up to these standards, yet she tried her hardest to paint this picture of as if she did.  She fought silently, not really knowing how to combat these feelings that made her overthink.

Which lead to her believe that she had to fake it until she made it. She tried it for years, with this mentality, yet it was draining. She was tired. Tired & ashamed of feeling this way. She knew she had to take another approach to overcome her insecurities. She knew she needed to seek help even though others saw that as a weakness.  She had to do what was best for her and if that meant becoming vulnerable, she knew it must be done. She needed change.

She began to see a huge shift in her life when she talked with others about her insecurities that no longer carried shame. Her me too moments she faced, were no longer her own, but shared with a community of women who been through the same things. She saw the beauty in sharing her struggles & the fact that she was able to overcome the fear of having to fit this mold that this world tried to place her in.

She began feeding her mind with truth, with love. She recognized the things that didn’t serve her anymore, and began releasing them from herself. She saw the joy in appreciating all that she had & the peace that came with speaking life into her situations. She knew that she would still have her moments & battles, but she knew now that she wasn’t alone.

Every morning she would affirm truth within herself: I love myself as I am, I am still learning and working on becoming the woman that God created me to be, I am loved regardless of what others have to say about me. I know my truth & I know that my worth is found in Christ.

As she became confident in herself, she carried herself differently as others began to notice. They saw a shift in the way she talked about herself, the way she talked about others, and the way she allowed others to treat her. And that was all she ever wanted--to be seen as someone who wore her confidence not just on the outside, but also rooted deep within.

A letter to the girl who was tired

To the girl who was exhausted, burdened with this heaviness she couldn’t explain. Each day seemed to pass on by & each day, she felt herself drifting away. She could feel that something wasn’t right, that feeling of something missing, but she couldn’t figure it out. She loved hard, gave all that she had, would do anything for anyone, yet that was never enough. She struggled with feeling empty, like she had nothing to offer anything to this world. She tried her very best to be everything to everyone, not realizing that it was slowly causing her to forget to take care of herself. (Jeremiah 31:25)

Her heart grew so heavy, she wanted so badly to be loved, to feel a sense of belonging, because she felt the pain of not feeling like she was somebody. She longed for attention, the ability to be seen or heard by someone, anyone who was willing to hear her pour her heart out. That’s all she wanted. All she prayed for. She grew scared, frightened by the thoughts in her head that lead her to believe that she didn’t matter, that she wasn’t good enough, that she didn’t have purpose. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

All of these things that made her feel so broken on the inside, she believed these lies that were whispered so gently in her ears as she begin reciting them to herself as if they were truth. She began to replace  facts for fiction. As her heart lay exposed in pieces on the ground, she began to feel hopeless. This heaviness, that overwhelmed her spirit, pushed her close to the edge. (Matthew 11:28-29)

She just knew though, she couldn’t give up as much as her mind kept telling her to. She knew that if she just took a few more steps, she would see all her work and time invested, wasn’t in vain. All the late nights, tears shed, and passion that went into all she did, was not wasted. She learned that everyday she wasn't going to stay inspired, motivated, or even the energy to smile, she knew she could lean on God’s strength to carry her when she was at her weakest. (Isaiah 40:3)

She had to remind herself that she was human. That every idea wasn't going to be successful, that failure were lessons learned. She had to be gentle with herself. Give herself credit, because life isn't always easy. There will be deep dark valleys and high mountain moments that would come and go, and in each moment, she knew regardless her worthiness was still present. She was and will always be enough.

As she was able to regain her peace, she was finally able to understand the importance of taking time to rest + be still. Yes, this world will continue to tell her otherwise, that she needed to have her own business, create this or that in order for her to be considered successful, but she continued to keep her eyes fixed on God as He continued to show her the calling He placed over her life. That if she remained faithful, He would reward her with far more than this world could ever offer her. And that gave her the courage to keep going, keep trying, keep giving, but never stopping. That that in itself was enough. (Galatians 6:9)

A letter to the girl who struggled with Anxiety

In this new season of change, she began to notice that her peace that once surrounded her, was no longer present in her everyday life. This pressure of feeling behind in everything she once felt like she had control over, began to unravel into a mess. Suddenly the small things in her life became huge things in her head. From her relationships, to schoolwork, to her priorities, and even her relationship with God. Her heart grew so heavy, as though a 100lb weight was placed directly over her chest.  

Although she was silently dealing with this pain, all she could do is smile and say when people asked, “why yes, I’m doing okay.” Overthinking everything, making herself miserable because thinking irrationally, turned everything serious. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t shut that emotion down. It haunted her, it taunted her, belittling her ability to think for herself, making her feel as though everything she did, was wrong. She became a prisoner to her own thoughts, longing every day that she would be set free. Matthew 6:34

Just like a light switch, she went from feeling loved, to feeling abandoned. Feeling treasured, to not feeling worthy. She feared people would walk out of her life, not realizing the pain she caused others when she began to pull away, leaving the ones who have always given her the affirmation she so longed for. It was hard for her to explain everything that was going on in her head, because she wasn’t even sure herself, how she was feeling. Sometimes she found herself so full of happiness, the next she found herself drifting into a dark place that should couldn’t shake herself out of. Psalm 34:4

She would go days of not doing anything, others would look at her as being lazy, but little did they know, she was fighting these silent battles that she couldn’t even control. She too, couldn’t wrap her mind around all the emotions she was feeling, she just felt so alone. No one could really understand how her thoughts would drown out the good that once dwelled in that space. She was confused, yet could you blame her? She didn’t ask for it, if she could, she would just wish it away, but it doesn’t work that way.

There was a war going on inside of her, no wonder she was exhausted. It was draining, she was tired, yet she couldn’t give up. Trust me, she wanted to at times, but she knew she had so much going for her, she couldn’t stop now. Of course she understood that her silent battles wouldn’t just go away overnight, that this war she faced every day was going to be a fight she had to prepare for.

Although she had all these voices telling her things lies, she could hear a small voice in her head, telling her the things she knew to be true. One day, she decided she was going to buy some sticky notes, and place them all around her room, shoot every room in the house, filled with affirmation. “Yes, you got this!” “You are a child of God”, “You are stronger than you think”, Although you can’t control everything, you serve a God who does.” Philippians 4:6-7

As her room was filled with truth, her worries and insecurities whispers grew faint. She learned to take a few deep breaths. She understood that she didn’t need to accomplish everything all at once. She wasn’t behind, she just had to tackle one thing at a time. Although she may not have all things under control, because who really does, she learned that it was okay to take a few steps back and be more gentle with herself. Psalm 56:3

All days weren’t easy, some days, she would slip back into a dark place, but she was willing to climb through. She knew that God was the only way she was able to see a way out. She knew with all her heart that God did not want her to live her life filled with fear, worry, and anxiety.  She was determined to fight for her peace. She had to understand that although she feared for her future at times, she wasn’t exempt from God’s promises that were found in the Word. Hebrews 13:6

She clinged even tighter to God in the midst of her worries. She found peace in the middle of her chaos. The calm to her storm, when she found herself wrapped in His arms for comfort. She wasn’t alone, never was she. Her fears didn’t have as much power as she once gave them. She gave herself permission to rest. To not take on too much, but eliminate things that didn’t bring her joy. She began to see the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that this battle she faced, she didn’t have to conquer it on her own, and that in itself gave her peace.  1 Peter 5:7

A letter to the girl who couldn't catch a break.

Day by day the world felt like it was beginning to cave in. She was drowning with so much on her plate, not understanding why she could never really catch a break. Each time she felt like she was taking one step forward, she was pushed a few more steps back. She felt so exhausted by trying to control everything, not realizing that in the midst of her trying to save everything, she was slowly losing herself.

She walked around with a huge smile on her face, but behind closed doors she struggled with holding it all together. Everything seemed to be caving in around her. She couldn’t keep up and her head was trying to hush the demons that kept whispering lies to kill the little spirit she had left. She struggled to ask for help. Constantly in the middle between feeling fine and not knowing when she wanted to cry.

So she carried the weight of the world on her back, not knowing that each step she took, broke her down. But how could she just stop when she knew she had to be strong and continue to keep moving because as a little girl it was instilled in her to never quit. So day by day, she put one foot in front of the other and kept going.

In the midst of everything she went through, she became so distracted with her problems and the things she could no longer control, that she began to forget how big God was. In all honesty, she really replaced His role in exchange for herself. She became so focused on her circumstances, that she lost sight of what God was doing through her. How He was shaping her character. How He was testing her faithfulness, her obedience. She allowed her circumstances to win power over her, because she was human. She knew she couldn’t do it on her own, nor was she meant to. But she tried anyway.

She told herself, “Take a deep breath. A few at that. Be gentle with yourself. Breath again.” She began seeking for answers, seeking after God for her strength. She was lost, didn’t know what to do, but never gave up trying to hear God speak to her. When she finally heard his voice, He responded,

“Leave everything in my control, while I  restore your soul. I will overwhelm you with peace when your worries try to take your eyes off of me. Come to me, every bit of you, so I can make you whole. When you are weary and burdened, I will give you rest. I will reward you for your obedience as I turn your burdens into blessings.”

A peace came over her as she got off her knees, and everything that once seemed heavy, was lifted. She felt like she was able to breathe. God made her see that though she may not see Him or understand what He may be doing, she knew she had a solid foundation to stand on. She knew that she never had to worry about God switching up on her. Nor whether or not He would abandon her.

She was reminded, “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2 She knew when she began to feel overwhelmed, she could take a step back and reevaluate what was most important to her. She didn’t have to kill herself trying to do everything all at once. She had to figure out what she needed to remove so she could make more time and save energy doing what was a priority. She found peace resting in God’s knowing that she didn’t have to face nothing in this world on her own. And that was her lifesaver.

A letter to the girl who felt like she wasn't enough.

To the girl who feels like you aren’t enough. The girl who has been beaten down with words, bruised with scars from her past. The girl  who has been overlooked because she doesn’t fit the stereotypical trend of being so called, “real” but everything “she” possessed was bought with a price. The girl who continues to compare her life to the next, not knowing that their  highlights aren’t real life. The girl who doesn’t really feel like she is adequate, nor has the energy to love someone again. This letter is for you.

You are enough. I wish I could just come through this computer screen, hug each & everyone of you. I would comfort you as we cried together sharing the pain and hidden struggles we’ve been through or still going through.  For what you are going through, you don’t have to prove to no one because this is your journey. You are enough and that in itself is enough to keep going. Phil 1:6

Demeaning words you may have been told, or the self defeating thoughts you have on repeat in your mind, isn’t truth. The truth is, you are made worthy through the blood of Christ. You are loved. You are desired. You are special.You have purpose. You deserve nothing but the best. You are created for something so much more than you can even comprehend. Psalm 138:8

Your past is the past. It does not define you. It creates this inner strength that comes from walking through fire. It refines you into the woman you were created to be. It isn’t to break nor destroy you, but grow you. God has made known that you are not who you used to be. For when you gave your life over to God, surrendering your life, you were made new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

There’s something special about staying true to who you really are. Not falling for this trap of feeling as though you have to have everything all together. As though you can’t breakdown or become vulnerable because people see it as a weakness. So we have all these sisters walking around, smiling like everything is fine, but from within, they are looking for someone to pour their heart out to. Don’t be afraid to seek help, to go to someone who you can trust. Don’t you dare feel as though you have to live up to society’s definition of “perfection.” Continue to better yourself by focusing on yourself. Romans 12:2

Don't get so caught up with comparing your journey with someone next to you. We all have our own stories, baggage, history that God has written for just you. You might have similar things you have been through, but no one will ever have the exact testimony of how God rescued you. How he saved you from yourself. God doesn't want you wasting your time wishing you had a life like her or him because 9 out of 10, someone could be looking at your life, wishing they had yours. Be thankful with the season of life you are in. Be grateful that God brought you this far.

Your heart may be hurting because things didn’t turn out the way you planned. The relationship you thought was a forever thing, didn’t last. The friendship you cherished, went south. My heart is hurting with you. I feel your pain I know what it feels like to let go when all I wanted was to continue holding on. Overtime, those wounds heal. Your heart begins to love again, and the peace you lacked, becomes evident. You no longer feel like you aren’t enough. You know who you are in Christ. Your pain was carried when you gave them over to Christ. For the life he gave you, was bought at a price. So to the girl reading this letter, know that God loves you dearly even when it’s sometimes hard for you to love yourself. He wants nothing but the best for you. He will continue chasing after you. Because to Him, you are enough.  Is. 43:25

A letter to the woman who felt like giving up.

There has been days where we have all felt like giving up because we felt so overwhelmed with everything in our lives. From relationships, work, being a student, failed friendships, maintaining a relationship with God, in my case marriage and others balancing being a mother, the list goes on and on. All of the things needing to get done, yet keep getting put off due to unexpected circumstances and not being able to say no when you knew you couldn’t add another thing to your plate.

The season of busyness start to take over and the feeling of not being able to grasp the responsibilities that keep piling up. It’s a never ending cycle of battling with being consistent and productive with the time you have been gifted. You start to feel like everything you onced had planned out and under control, was no longer laying out the way you wanted to. You began to feel like she was drowning and had no one to save you.

As she  began to grow frustrated, just tired from this continual storm that felt like it was never ending. This storm that seemed to toss her mind around with thoughts of, “You aren’t good enough” “You don’t have what it takes to get your life in order” “You are going to fail no matter what you end up doing” “This season of your life is permanent and won’t ever change” all these lies began to tear away the joy that once resided in her soul. She grew weary, just ready to lay down and give up. Dig herself a hole and never come out. She shed so many tears, seeking a savior, someone who could save her, not knowing that Jesus was right along side her ready for her to surrender.

She spent nights just pouring  her heart out to God, asking his strength to keep going. She was so close throwing in the towel, because if she quits, she wouldn’t have the burden that she tried to carry on her own. She tried time after time to give it over to God, but it was hard for her to hand over the control that made her feel like she had some power over. She wrestled with the fact that once it was in God’s hands, she needed to let go and allow God full control.

After battling with her insecurities, her fears of failure and lack of trust, she was able to see the beauty that surrounded her among the midst of the struggles that seemed to drown her. She began to see her storms as blessings. Despite the mess it made, or caused her, she knew in the middle of her test, God was with her. She knew that no matter how overwhelmed she felt, she was covered by the protection that lead her to her destiny.

Letting go wasn’t something that came natural to her. She didn’t like the uncertainty that came with leaving behind something that seemed so familiar. It was the comfort of her heart, the warmth that came with having something so special being cut away because it was no longer bringing growth, yet she knew it was time. She knew that it became a hinderance to her future, but why did she feel the need to say goodbye, even though her heart was screaming on the inside to stay?

It was the pain she knew and felt within that made her see the value of only allowing the good she needed, to flow from her life. She had to get rid of excess baggage that was weighing down the joy in her life, causing her to not feel the spirit that once dwelled in her soul. She could feel the ties being cut and the wounds it caused, but she had to do what was best for her. She knew for in order for her to have a relationship with God, she had to learn the true definition of loving herself.

She began her morning finding different ways to love the skin she was in. She began spending quiet time with her Father, pursuing this unconditional love that she never experienced until she began seeking after Him. It was these mornings where she discovered who she was and how bad her soul was impoverished, longing for this love that only God could fulfill. It was then she realized that she was drowning in everything because she wasn’t meant to go through life alone.

The feelings that once flooded her mind with wanting to quit, to give up because the world seemed like it was caving in on her, no longer clouded her vision of the goodness and truth that God had revealed to her. She saw how strong and powerful she was when she gave up and let God take the lead in her life. She didn’t have to go through the storms by herself, she had God who was on the boat all along. When she called on Him, he calmed the storms and filled her soul with peace that quieted the cries of her terrified heart.

A letter to someone who deals with Depression.

For some reason, this post took me a while to write. I’m not sure what was hindering me from sharing my story. I share a lot about my life, but a piece of my personal testimony has not. So I wanted to open up and be vulnerable and share how I’ve overcame my battle with depression. So many people are battling with depression, yet no one really wants to discuss it because let’s face it, people deem this as being weak or she’s/he’s messed up. No one wants to deal with someone who doesn’t seem to have it all together. Reality check: No one does.

A straight A student, 3 sport athlete, vice president of my senior class, homecoming queen, who would have guessed? That me, yes being all that I was, was battling with depression.  I didn’t let anyone know because I wanted to seem like everything was okay and I was this girl that had it all together. It was an inner battle that I struggled with. From the outside looking in, you would have seen this bubbly, outgoing, loving individual who didn’t know a stranger. Although all those things described me, I had made myself believe that I was not worthy to be loved.

If you have ever dealt with depression like I have, you would know what it does to a person.  It’s like being scared and tired at the same time because it feels like you’re  just existing not really living. Even though I was there physically,--emotionally and mentally,  I was checked out. I wanted to tell those closest to me how I was feeling, but fear kept creeping in, crippling me from reaching out. I would just smile and say, yeah I’m fine, knowing I was screaming on the inside.

I remember coming home from school and just go into my room and just cry for hours. My houseparents always thought I was trying to seclude myself from the other girls in my home, but this was something much deeper than wanting to be around others. I wanted the pain to go away but didn’t know how, besides contemplating to take my own life.

I would sit in my room and think about different ways I wanted to end my life. I never attempted anything, just tried to plan the best way to go. Something in me though, wouldn’t let me. I would always think of my father. He died when I was just five. I knew that I couldn’t put my family through the pain of losing another. I guess that’s why I wanted to stick around.

People didn’t understand the pain that I felt, nor did I let them close enough to feel it. I had to be strong for my brothers and sisters. I had to let them know that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure they were well taken care of. It was the fight in me that wanted to protect them from knowing the pain that kept me up at night writing in my journal how I didn’t want to be alive. I became numb. I had built up anger towards God and reaching out to him was no longer my go to. I was hurting. It was scary, and lonely  being that I felt like it was me against the world.

As I am writing this, tears are running down my face, because God saved me when I wanted to end things. He gave me hope when I was hopeless and at the lowest I’ve ever been in my life. I was in a dark place, but God lead me to a light that made me hold on a little longer when I wanted to give up. When nights felt like they would never end, he came and comforted me.

He gave me the strength to make it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. Though it was hard at times, he saw fit to walk me through each step of the way, leading me to believe that yes, I too, have purpose. My time here wasn’t yet fulfilled, that I had a destiny to live out.

When I was broken down to the point of no return, I ended up back in the arms of my Father as He held me & reminded me that He would never leave me. The pain that I was feeling didn’t just go away overnight. It was a process that took years. Healing that filled the holes of emptiness, loneliness, pain, sadness. Healing that turned my battle to a victory.

For those who are dealing with depression, here are a few things I learned through my healing process. It’s okay not to be okay. There will be days where you feel sad for no reason. Days where  you want to be left alone. Whatever you are feeling, don’t let someone try to make you feel like you aren’t able to have feelings. Never forget how much you matter.

God is your rock and your refuge, when you feel like giving up and throwing in the towel, know that God is with you and won’t ever leave you when everyone else does. You are well loved my dear. Call on God, seek him for strength. You never really know all the battles people are going through so be kind and gentle. Learn to listen rather than lecture. Sometimes an opportunity to have someone to just hear us, brings healing & comfort.

Working through traumatic experiences like I had to, wasn’t easy, but it was freeing. Working through emotions was not easy, but necessary if I wanted to break this bondage of being captive to my own negative thoughts about life & myself. I had to remind myself that the pain though it felt off and on, wouldn’t last forever. I knew in the midst of it all, there was joy that would shine through. 

Stay strong. Know that you are more than a conquerer, who allowed God to turn your mountains into hills. And will continue to be right beside you every step of the way as you continue fighting this battle you are facing. Whatever battle that may be. You are not alone. You matter.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3

"The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

A letter to the woman who had her heart taken for granted

Breakups isn’t something every woman longs for, nor is it desired. As women, we long for intimacy. From a young age we dreamed of our wedding. And if you were like me, made a long unrealistic list of all the qualities I wanted in a husband. We desire to be loved, to be treasured, to have our hearts protected, never harmed.

I remember the first time I got into my first serious relationship. The excitement and newness everything felt to me. From having someone open doors for me, to feeling butterflies in my stomach, and having that smile that never seemed to disappear. Those stages in a relationship that made you feel like you were on cloud nine and no one could take you off.

You think to yourself, this is the man I’m going to spend forever with. The one who I can see myself marrying, the one who will be my best friend forever. But then things start to change, feelings start to change, people start to change. Everything that you expected and wanted, didn’t work out the way you planned and you’re left confused why and in pain. (Matt 11:28-30)

So as she begins to process everything that just happened, she tries to find ways of how things could have worked or should have for that matter. She begins blaming herself, asking what she could have done differently. What could she have done to make him want to stay. She begins beating herself up, not sure why no one seems to love her. (Ps 34:18)  

Although she cannot see the pain that is hindering her growth, she continues searching for reasons to make things work. She can’t seem to let go in fear that there will never be someone like him. Someone who she can ever love the way she once loved him. She lays in bed crying for hours replaying over and over in her head the memories that they had created, trying to relive the sweet moments that are no longer her reality.  (Ps 71:20)

She tries her hardest to walk around with the smile on her face, letting those around her know that she is okay. Yet, she is screaming on the inside wanting someone to take her by the hand and tell her that she’s strong and will make it through it. (Is 41:3) She just wants someone to share her brokenness with without feeling like she will be pushed aside, because soon enough, her pain becomes like a broken record player and everyone around her is tired hearing about her past relationship.

She cries out to God in her bedroom asking why me. Why do I have to go through this pain, this feeling of having someone just tear my heart right out of me, leaving me feeling so lonely. (Rom 8:18) This pain that caused me to shut everyone out, not trusting anyone because I’m afraid of being hurt again. You see, it was never easy letting people in, but I gave him the chance to prove me wrong, yet he failed me.

God wiped away her tears, and covered her with a blanket of his warmth and comfort. He said, “ My daughter, though you may be hurting, joy comes in the morning. There will be a time when you will look back on this situation and thank me for saving you from something that may have harmed you. For I have something far better, something far greater for you, if you just trust Me.” (Jer 29:11) As she begins to wipe away her tears and continue praying to God, she asks for strength because some days are harder than others. She prayed for courage because it’s not easy not knowing what’s to come. She asked for healing because what she’s been put through, she doesn’t ever want to go through again. (Prov 3:5-6)

She understood that healing doesn’t just happen overnight. It was a process that involved allowing God to pull on the reins of her heart and patch of the wounds that once left empty holes and unhealed scars. It was then that she accepted that letting go was better than being dragged around expecting to be picked up by the one that left her broken into pieces. (Ps 147:3)

It was then she began spending less time worrying about what could have been and started putting her attention on God, serving Him wholeheartedly. It was then she saw that the light at the end of the tunnel and felt herself start to feel her normal self again. It was then she realized that the pain that she went through grew her and made her stronger. It instilled in her this other side of her she didn’t know existed. It was the power of learning to let go. Even if letting go meant losing something she thought was what she needed.

All of those nights of tears, turned into joy when she was able to move on and keep her heart guarded and protected for the special one that she would one day get to marry. She knew that she had to make sure every aspect of her life was aligned with God before she could see herself in a relationship that was not centered around God. She knew her worth, knew what she deserved, and from here on out, was able to love again.

Lust isn't Love.

Fleshly desires are easily mistaken, leading one to believe that they are in love. It’s easy to have your vision distorted when your heart is feeling this burning sensation to feel loved. This so called love, can be hidden and disguised as nothing better than lust. You think because someone can temporarily satisfy your desires to feel loved and wanted, there’s no need for God to do the same. The mind says, well I can’t have both. I must choose where I will spend all my time, whom I will give all my love, and how I can give that person my all in exchange for them to show that they truly care and desire to spend forever with me.

A few years later or maybe even months, when those feelings are no longer as strong as they once were. Your heart feels this void that can not be touched nor filled by worldly possessions, or the affections that once spark these emotions causing you to be blinded by this thing called love. You begin to question whether you are doing all that you can to keep the relationship afloat. You are searching for answers, that cannot be found because you know what to do in order to find the truth in knowing that God is the only one that can truly satisfy.

It is why so many women spend their lives giving themselves up to men that don’t see their worth, who don’t even desire to get to know their hearts. If they can get them into bed, they have done their part in satisfying their own sexual desires and pleasures leaving the woman to feel even emptier inside. She thinks to herself, why am I not worth the love that I deserve and desire. Why can’t I be shown this love that is displayed in Songs of Songs between two lovers, that love that allowed Ruth to become a queen to her Boaz, a love displayed between both Abraham and Sarah, a Queen like Esther who was destined to be married to her King.

You see, in the midst of her insecurities, she searches for love but never realizes that she’s been looking in all the wrong places. Believing that if she was to give herself to just anyone to have a glimpse of someone to show her love, then maybe she can feel loved, even if it’s short lived. She longs for that intimacy, that desire to know someone cares for her. Her childhood experiences, scarred with painful memories and distasteful affection shown in her household, caused her to not know what she is truly worth.

She continues to search, not understanding the difference between lust and love and commonly mistakes it as one. She sees no value in herself so how can she expect for men to see her worth.  She can’t see how her pain has hindered her from allowing her to see how she is hurting herself with the decisions she makes. She cries herself to sleep confused how she still haven’t filled this emptiness that dwells in her heart. She doesn’t know that God heals. He can take her weaknesses and make them her strength.

After being in the darkest place in her life, she reaches out to God for help. Asking God to rescue her from herself. She knows even though she been lost and distant from God, he still is faithful. She stopped searching for that so called “love” and started seeking after unconditional love. That love that no man can even come close to fill the void that she once felt. It was no longer lust that seemed to keep her deeply rooted in her pain, but that love that was bought with a price and easily gained. That love that only God could give her.

It was then she began to see her worth and value. It was then she no longer gave herself to just anybody and everybody, but began to save herself for her future spouse. Making a vow between her and God, that she would no longer give her body for temporary pleasures, but save herself for her wedding day. It was then she saw the importance of truly knowing her worth in God and began to carry herself with confidence.

She began to see herself as a Queen and began attracting nothing but royalty. She was focused on her relationship with the King, that whoever pursued her had to go through her Lord before he could get close to her. It was then, she saw the importance of waiting for God to order her steps, guiding her throughout her life.

God not only turned her hurt and pain into her testimony, but gave her this new found love that many people can never seem to find because they seek a love that won’t lead nowhere but to the bedroom, and a broken heart. But is that really love? A man can satisfy, but emotionally can be far away not even there. It’s that lust that can easily blind and cloud the real love that God designed for us to experience.

That love that is everlasting no matter how much we fail and mess up. Cause let’s face it, we are human and will disappoint. But guess who never will switch up on us when the going gets tough? God’s love remains in us because if God is in us, then we will always have love, because God is love. No matter how much a person may love you, they can never love you the way God does.

People  will disappoint and even cause you hurt, but God’s love is unconditional. So protect your heart and guard your mind from those temporary pleasures. Ask God for strength and healing because it will not be an easy task. It’s going to be painful letting go of old habits and unhealthy relationships, but it’s a must.  Not everyone deserves the treasure that you are. It must be kept for the one who will secure it for a lifetime. Remember you are a jewel, nothing less.