In this new season of change, she began to notice that her peace that once surrounded her, was no longer present in her everyday life. This pressure of feeling behind in everything she once felt like she had control over, began to unravel into a mess. Suddenly the small things in her life became huge things in her head. From her relationships, to schoolwork, to her priorities, and even her relationship with God. Her heart grew so heavy, as though a 100lb weight was placed directly over her chest.
Although she was silently dealing with this pain, all she could do is smile and say when people asked, “why yes, I’m doing okay.” Overthinking everything, making herself miserable because thinking irrationally, turned everything serious. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t shut that emotion down. It haunted her, it taunted her, belittling her ability to think for herself, making her feel as though everything she did, was wrong. She became a prisoner to her own thoughts, longing every day that she would be set free. Matthew 6:34
Just like a light switch, she went from feeling loved, to feeling abandoned. Feeling treasured, to not feeling worthy. She feared people would walk out of her life, not realizing the pain she caused others when she began to pull away, leaving the ones who have always given her the affirmation she so longed for. It was hard for her to explain everything that was going on in her head, because she wasn’t even sure herself, how she was feeling. Sometimes she found herself so full of happiness, the next she found herself drifting into a dark place that should couldn’t shake herself out of. Psalm 34:4
She would go days of not doing anything, others would look at her as being lazy, but little did they know, she was fighting these silent battles that she couldn’t even control. She too, couldn’t wrap her mind around all the emotions she was feeling, she just felt so alone. No one could really understand how her thoughts would drown out the good that once dwelled in that space. She was confused, yet could you blame her? She didn’t ask for it, if she could, she would just wish it away, but it doesn’t work that way.
There was a war going on inside of her, no wonder she was exhausted. It was draining, she was tired, yet she couldn’t give up. Trust me, she wanted to at times, but she knew she had so much going for her, she couldn’t stop now. Of course she understood that her silent battles wouldn’t just go away overnight, that this war she faced every day was going to be a fight she had to prepare for.
Although she had all these voices telling her things lies, she could hear a small voice in her head, telling her the things she knew to be true. One day, she decided she was going to buy some sticky notes, and place them all around her room, shoot every room in the house, filled with affirmation. “Yes, you got this!” “You are a child of God”, “You are stronger than you think”, Although you can’t control everything, you serve a God who does.” Philippians 4:6-7
As her room was filled with truth, her worries and insecurities whispers grew faint. She learned to take a few deep breaths. She understood that she didn’t need to accomplish everything all at once. She wasn’t behind, she just had to tackle one thing at a time. Although she may not have all things under control, because who really does, she learned that it was okay to take a few steps back and be more gentle with herself. Psalm 56:3
All days weren’t easy, some days, she would slip back into a dark place, but she was willing to climb through. She knew that God was the only way she was able to see a way out. She knew with all her heart that God did not want her to live her life filled with fear, worry, and anxiety. She was determined to fight for her peace. She had to understand that although she feared for her future at times, she wasn’t exempt from God’s promises that were found in the Word. Hebrews 13:6
She clinged even tighter to God in the midst of her worries. She found peace in the middle of her chaos. The calm to her storm, when she found herself wrapped in His arms for comfort. She wasn’t alone, never was she. Her fears didn’t have as much power as she once gave them. She gave herself permission to rest. To not take on too much, but eliminate things that didn’t bring her joy. She began to see the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that this battle she faced, she didn’t have to conquer it on her own, and that in itself gave her peace. 1 Peter 5:7